TW/CW – Rape, Violence, Abuse

Tuesday morning, at about 10:50am, I let someone that I thought I knew into my home. Less than two minutes later, I was struck in the face, dazed and sexually assaulted.

I screamed and fought as he raped me, I could not overpower him. My weapon was only ten feet away. As he finished, I managed to get away and make it to my weapon. He saw this and pulled his pants up and began for the door. I aimed my weapon and racked it [put a bullet in the chamber]. He was at the door, he turned for half a second before ducking out the door.

I did not fire. I regret that.

I called my wife and she left work to come and take me to the emergency room. It was not a fun drive [45 minutes, with Houston rush-hour traffic]. I walked into the Covid-19 restricted ER at the Houston Veterans Affairs hospital, only to find that they do not have a sexual assault evidence team, and they instead offered to transfer me to another hospital so that I could press charges. I declined and asked for medical treatment only.

I know who did it. I do not need the cops, justice system or jury to confirm that he is guilty.

The hospital staff did an exam and treated me for possible STDs and for a deep abrasion inside of me. [3 stitches]. They prescribed me a month of antiviral meds and hung a bag of IV antibiotics. I was left in a room, alone, for the majority of the visit. The room’s lights automatically turned off every 10 minutes. Not helpful.

They released me after treatment and I was sent to another part of the hospital to get my medications before heading home with my wife. I am in pain now as I write this, but need to get it all out. My face hurts and my anus is on fire and itchy. I was told to expect this pain for 1-3 weeks.

10 minutes of shock and terror for weeks of pain.

Writing this made me sick. Of all the things that have me ANGRY, it’s that I could not fight him off. Years of training, completely useless when dazed. Moreover, I even noticed he seemed off. He was pushy beforehand AND he showed up to “surprise me”. I let him in laughing and with a smile on my face. I started off mentally dazed. With my surprise and excitement hindering the little voice that was screaming “watch out”, I let myself become a victim, again. I know it is not my fault, but it is impossible for me to let myself off the hook.

Now, when I said I “knew him”; it was not exactly precise. This man had visited me before, for fun and he had always been the sweetest and kindest guy to me. I was making him wait for sex and we ended up never “doing it”. We lost contact for over a year. We found each other again and he was excited that he decided to show up as a surprise. I was taken aback and assumed he was the same “sweet and kind” guy, who was just over eager and excited to see me again. I was so wrong.

I wish nothing but the exact same anguish for this person. I hope and believe that life will find a way.

I wrote this short ritual, to help myself cope. I hope it can help others take back a bit of your power. It has helped me over the past 24 hours to cope and allowed me the focus to write this all out.

It is okay to be angry. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to feel weak.

Hail Thyself.